Some Text, One Video and Six Images

There's this asshole of a Surd (link) whom I usually approach whenever in a dilemma and always regret thereafter. Having decided to participate in a national-level video-making competition (organised by 9XM) just one hour before the deadline,I went to the same chimp. We procrastinated for twenty minutes: better known in B-school circuit as brainstorming. Basically, all we could come up with was the fact that we could not come up with anything on such strict timelines. Meh. So, we gathered other equally-worthy-assholes-in-their-own-right and made this. Voi-fuckin-la.

They didn't shortlist us. :| [Die, motherfuckers, die!]

On the other leg, this series of six print ads that I made for Axe Deodorants in straight 60 minutes did get a shortlist. Yay.

Confessions Of A Bloody Erection

I'm a man's worst foe. Damn, you say and I come into your life. Sometimes, you just fear me. I'm quite fond of making appearances at the wrong places at the wrong time. Sometimes you call me up, subconsciously. At others, it's not your fault. I come uninvited. I just love fooling around with your psyche. I love it when you really gotta pee, but you cant get up. I drool over situations when you are with your parents watching television and your dad asks you to get a glass of water. That's my all time favourite time of appearance. And at such times, I make sure that the more you wish I go away, the more I wake up. I’m the reason wallets now are being promoted to the pockets in front. If you are a new client, I love making surprise visits. With acquaintance, I tend to make you more comfortable and listen to you more. Gradually I handover my autonomy to you and surrender myself to your whims and fancies. But for that, you need to train me just like a Ninja gets trained – who is seen only when he wishes to be. From being a master, I’m now your slave. Well, almost.

I'm a man's best friend. Aloha, I say, and come into your life. Sometimes, you just love me. I provide you with confidence in the hour of need. I do fail you at times but that's just too naughty of me. Don't panic as I do it with everyone. How else on earth am I supposed to prove my worth? I'm just a call away, though. You gotta call it right. And when you or your special someone does, I appear in my full majesty bringing smiles all around. If it weren't for me, life would be so hard, pun intended. I am not so kind to everyone, especially if you have spent a considerable time on earth. But the medicos have come up with a stimulant. You know, I have weaknesses as well, na. Its the V-word. It makes me weak at the knees and facilitates my appearance whenever I want to ditch some old bugger. Anyway, I love spreading joy, happiness and ecstasy. If it weren't for me, the world's favourite and the oldest sport would be so hard, pun intended again. And there wouldn't be any life. I'm the creator.

I'm full of blood. That makes me Erection, Bloody Erection. And just like Mr. 007, I like it ‘shaken, not stirred’.

Claimer!!!!!

Disclaimer to this claimer: Do not proceed if you find words of wisdom like "fuck", "screw", "damn", "butt", or "ass" offending/fucking/screwing your damn butt/ass. Also, keep all the potentially dangerous equipment away: you might want to kill yourself after reading this.

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The demented author of this blog has been leased out from an asylum-cum-penitentiary-cum-zoo to save this world from an inevitable apocalypse. Anything he writes scribbles here is for the same mission and is the result of a severely tormented childhood.

Any resemblance to anyone living, sleeping, fucking, inebriated or dead is purely intentional. If the content seems to malign any club, organization, company, or individual, it is meant to be so. Get a friggin' self esteem and be offended. Go sue/screw me. I don't give the-tapeworm-in-your-intestine's ass!!

The images used are NOT the properties of the respective owners from whichever shit-holes you are leading your pitiable lives in. I won't give you credit. Its your damn butt's mistake to not use a watermark before uploading it over the internet. Even a seventh grader knows how to do that. I wont give you any credit for any material lifted from your blog and published here, verbatim or otherwise. Go get fucked, fuck yourself or get electrocuted.

I am not responsible, nor will be held liable, for anything anyone says on my blog in the blog comments. I'm not their goddamned nanny. Go chase their asses if you are a crybaby and have a grudge. Or what the hell, bring it on!

Also, do not come to me if your kid wastes time reading this shit rather than preparing for his board exams that guarantee a most-fulfilling rat race in store for him. Learn parenting first.

The intention is never to endorse/glorify/promote/sell any kind of intoxication. Yes, I do all kinds of shit but use your balls and brains before making a decision, that is, if you ain't already doing it.

This blog is not for my fellow inmates, ingrates or illiterates. Pregnant, probably pregnant, about to be pregnant or dieing to be pregnant women are advised to consult their husband, boyfriend or both and the physician before reading. Eating less than seven hours before reading may result in unhealthy movements of bowels. Not recommended for people over the age of 105 years and 7 months.

Although I might claim otherwise under the influence of heavenly spirits, this blog does not offer any legal, medical, veterinary, psychiatric, gynecological, archaelogical, astronomical, anatomical, astrological, philosophical, dermatological or zoological advice. Get in touch with a competent professional, your local daaru ka adda, neighbourhood association of amateur lawyers, your barber, washerman, gardener, aanganbadi kendra, phone book, online directory, local emergency number, mother or Google for the same. If you cant, it means you are an orphaned, computer-illiterate loner. Exit this window and repair your life, if any.

Do use your useless-and-hibernating-in-hell discretion before clicking on any link that might lead to any obscene, prurient, poisonous, pornographic, bad, disgusting, hostile, repulsive, virulent, frivolous, rotten, infectious, malignant, antagonistic, irritating, obnoxious, harsh, embittered, rancorous, resentful, acrimonious, pestilential, baneful, noxious, toxic, venomous, pernicious or repetitive material. Its not my fuckin headache!

Should you link to this domain or use, reproduce, republish, regurgitate, repeat, reiterate, rebound, reecho, reverberate, mimic, imitate, parrot or duplicate the information contained on this blog, you alone are responsible for that action. I never asked you to do so. Even if I did, fuck you!

Any funny/pathetic/offending/harsh translation by Google translator is purely the responsibility of Google, Inc. Go screw them!

Yes, I suffer from delusions of adequacy and grandeur. Its too hypocritic of you to not to.

All disputes subject to jurisdiction in Jamshedpur only. Move your asses down here at least. The limits on the financial damages is 10 INR irrespective of your hailing from any food-deprived land with hyperinflation.

And finally, FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY!!

P.S. Quite contrary to the overall mood of the post, I would like to give credit to Herche. 12.679% of this post is inspired by the disclaimer on his blog.

Arbit! Again!

Read 'Arbit!' here(link)

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Image by Dr. Madhukar Shukla, XLRI.

Its the same mood again. Something's wrong. Somewhere. I want to write. And there's nothing. Or, probably, there's too much. This is the third time I'm putting up this caveat in this blog - do not proceed if you do not have time for shit. The placement season is on. Pressures and emotions are high. But if it weren't for pressure, wouldn't a diamond still be coal? There are only five seniors I respect like anything, whom I want to see big in life. They deserve every bit of it. One is still left, waiting to be 'placed' - as if we are commodities waiting to be placed on a FMCG shelf. Better the 'package', more the 'shelf space'. Better the 'brand', more at the 'eye-level'. And that we are - tradable commodities ever-ready to sell ourselves. The whole system is flawed. Do I have a solution? But, if I am not a part of the cure, am I necessarily a part of the disease? Guess I am. Guess everyone is. Committees' elections are approaching. The people are a lot nicer. They need votes. They need friends. Why don't I have friends? Why do people have friends? I've seen 'friendship' stoop real low here. Bitching behind backs is a custom. The better your grades are, the more number of friends you have. Do I need such phonies? Am I alone? Am I lonely? I entered the Yahoo! chat room after ages. Was disgusted by the plethora of bots and despo males. Get a life, you morons, or get a porn CD!!! I don't feel like watching a movie. Is it the same me? Guess no. I've changed. Why can't I be the same person again? Why the heck do I keep on harping the same and crib? Why do I want to be the same? Why can't I accept change to be the only constant and move on? Why do I blog? Why do I have to scribble shit that would make no sense to anyone, whatsoever. And even if it does, can they ever share my frame of reference? Can they see things as I want them to see? They can't. Can I see things like they do? I can't. We're fuckin' normal. That's what we are - trapped in normalcy! I've screwed up this academic year real bad. Can I recover? Do I want to recover? Do I have the balls to put in the effort? Where am I heading? Am I lost? Or, are they lost - the rats in the race? I've started reading random blogs. Lots of them.Trying to relate to more and more strangers - the 'weird' ones. The un-understood ones. I'm loving it. I feel attached to them. Some of them feel like real close ones. Its a shame I cant let them know that. Everything sucks! As someone said: life is like a nigger's left bum - it ain't right and it ain't fair!

Arbit!

Disclaimer: My mental state is far from stable. Do not proceed if you want to read something that makes sense.

I've just come back to my room after an end-term paper. We have the last one tomorrow. I'll be one-third of a manager. Its been five times I've clicked on "New Post" and then aborted the operation. I desperately want to write about something. Some...thing. But it eludes me. I don't know what it is. I don't have a frickin' clue, whatsoever. Read about an IIM-I prof murdered at her residence. Its bothering me. I want to watch 'City Of God' for ages and its right there on my hard disk drive. Why do people always misunderstand me? Why do I always want people to understand me? Am I an approval junkie - a monkey wrapped in suits? (Link) I pretty much pride myself of being exactly the opposite. I am what I am. The tagline has made me loyal to Rbk. I don't give a nine-legged spider's ass to what they think. I think I do. I think I've started doing that. Heck. Suleimann Benn manhandled Mitchell Johnson. Haddin instigated them. Cricket is no longer a gentlemen's game. Am I a gentleman? I want BM to win the Prestige Cup 7-0. Why cant I bowl leg-breaks the way I can bowl off-breaks. I believe in God. I used to talk to him. It has reduced to a mere formality now. I am not on Twitter. I want to tweet. What's so special about Google Wave? Is it a distorted example of Missionary Selling? Do I care? New orkut sucks like hell. I want a PPO in HJ Heinz. I want to prove things to the world. Again. I suck. I'm changing. I don't like the change. I will quit smoking one day. Smoking kills. It has started showing effects on my lungs. I don't smoke much. Why me? Why cant I quit? Bon Jovi is religion. Their music never got its due. I've ceased listening to music. I need to install Windows 7. I wish I had a Macbook. I like Pacino. Is De Niro better? I want to act. I think I can. Everybody thinks he can. Is "everybody" singular? The show's name is Everybody LoveS Raymond. Its singular, or is it? I need to get my bike serviced. I'm just in love with the machine. Its the best babe on earth. Why don't people leave a word of appreciation/critique on reading a post? Why can't they do a little thing that means so much to the blogger? Why is it important to the blogger? I've started drinking again. Jesu's business dinner was awesome. The same White Mischief felt so different, so smooth. Five-rupee coins are being smuggled to Bangladesh where they are melted to make razors. Six of them, two-rupee each from a five rupee coin. This would contribute towards a liquidity crunch. Inflation will rise. As if I care. I don't have another B-school interview scheduled. MBA sucks. The education system is as outdated as Ashish Nehra's scantily disguised out-swingers. There's a lot of learning involved. Outside the classroom, of course. Would I spend my life selling sabun-tel? FMCG attracts me. I've been trying to find dental floss for some time now. What has come upon Jamshedpur? There's no Gilette deo as well. So much for the 'push' strategy - the thumb rule in FMCG. I loved yesterday's Marketing question paper. People thought it was gas. It was a quality B-school paper after months. Practical problems that required on-the-feet out-of-the-box thinking. I want to make ads. I think I'm creative. How? I don't know. I am. I haven't done anything to proclaim it. MTV Roadies is deteriorating. I miss Roadies 4 and 5. Our senior is there - one of the roadies - in Africa in the current edition. I don't wanna end this post. Would I publish it? I think I would. Would anyone be interested? Do i want them to be? I think I do. Again.

Sorry!

RanDumb Things About Me!

Inspired by Shifa's post.

• I presently use a pink toothbrush. I think it turns me on, in a good way.
• I think Katrina Kaif was once a man.
• I can never finish the last bite of food. I am somehow too full for it.
• I can go on without keeping in touch with the very few people I like.
• I hate the smell of rum. I love drinking it.
• When drunk, I black-out.
• I feel repulsed to non-vegetarian food.
• I love writing. I find it extremely tough to write the first few lines.
• I dont understand why people keep on listening to instrumentals.
• I visit IMDb at least twice daily.
• I hate to have too many food items on my plate. I would rather have them separately.
• I doze off while talking over the telephone.
• I am always short of topics to talk about.
• Things always sound better in my head than when I say them.
• My foot just loves my mouth.
• I cant multitask.
• I can have egg rolls four times a day, 365 days a year.
• I don't believe in the concept of 'days' - valentine's day, mothers's day, chairs's day, slippers' day et al - even birthdays!
• I cannot untie knots.
• I once had butterscotch with ketchup. I loved it.
• I love being alone. I just hate silence when I'm not.
• Sometimes I wish there were remote controls for everything, especially for the itch at the centre of my spinal cord.
• My favourite place on earth is my bed.
• I absolutely hate hangovers.
• I desperately wish someone comforts the eternal crybaby - Enrique Uglysias.
• I hate to walk. Wheels are undoubtedly the best invention ever.
• I punch my bed/the wall almost daily on waking up. I hate it.
• I love staring at my computer screen doing nothing at all.
• I read and edit my blog daily. I'm too finicky with that.
• I have a 1.44 MB memory.
• People normally call me up on their birthdays to remind me to wish them.
• I always have a hellish time finding keys. Thanks to XL for electronic locks.
• I love batting and even fielding. I hate bowling. I'm a bowler.
• I study for a twenty-mark quiz but do not for two ten-markers.
• I am a spoilt brat. I hate it when things do not go as expected.
• I don't want to hurt people and yet I hate political correctness.
• There are a few things that hurt me. I think about them all the time.
• I just cant play chess/volleyball.
• I like to have cucumber slices with pickle.
• I almost always eat mushroom when I eat outside.
• I hate to watch animated movies. Yuck!
• I do not drink even a litre of water in a day.
• I abhor astrology/zodiac like hell. I read my orkut fortune daily.
• I just cant sit still while talking over the phone.
• I freak out when my bed's not made up. I'm obsessed with matched bedsheets and pillow covers.
• I hate wearing a helmet while riding a bike.
• I want to be an agent in the Secret Service.
• I fail to understand the reason behind having pets. I hate them.
• I hate skipping meals.
• I do not have a driving license or a passport.
• Its excruciatingly irritating when a tune just gets stuck in my head and I cant sing the words. I keep on humming instead.
• I cant roll my tongue.
• The one thing I hate the most in this world is a snooze button. I'm, effectively, immune to alarms.
• I hate wearing socks. I'm generally found in my sandals.
• I wear odd socks nine out of ten times.
• I have never spent more than a minute at crosswords. I just hate them.
• I have solved a Sudoku puzzle just once.
• The busier my life, the more time I waste, the more I blog.
• I'm too easily satisfied and yet I'm never happy.
• I don't know what I want. I know what I don't.
• I plan. Then I plan more. I never work.
• I'm an open book but the text is encrypted. I'm always misunderstood.
• I haven't watched a single episode of 'Chandrakanta', 'Surbhi' or 'Shanti'.
• I have actually never watched a single Mel Gibson, Stallone or Arnold movie.
• I've never had schezwan. I don't know what it looks like.
• I hate smokers. I smoke.
• I hate people. I'm one of them.

Confessions Of A Naysayer's Mind

You showed up all naked and whiny one sucky day. You were wedged out, leaving the best sanctuary behind. You were introduced to this harsh planet with a slap on the butt - literally. Spanking, actually! You were forced to dress up for the first time in your life, hitherto living it up in peace. All you did was sleep and drink through a straw. And even that "supply chain" was cut off now. That was your birth-day.

Now, why is this celebrated? Whats the friggin' deal? Is it really worth it? What on earth is one's contribution in being born? What accomplishment is being acknowledged/appreciated? I can see just one.

You were the only one (usually) among the millions who actually got through the antivirus, if you know what I mean. You did what a million others couldn't. If you don't get what I mean to say: one, have a frickin' common sense and two, this is for you:

Next, Birthday wishes.

You schizo. You hallucinating self-obsessed freaky egotist with delusions of adequacy. Do you think you control this universe? Can your mere wishing bring happiness to one's life?

Or, do you refer to "wishing" as praying to God. So you mean to say you actually spend some time praying to God that the day goes happy for someone else? Dude, come on!

And, why just that day? Why can't you wish that someone stays happy all his life? Does it not imply an ulterior motive of yours? Do you actually mean to wish "Sad rest of the year!"?

Even if your demented personality doesn't allow to let him stay in peace for the rest of the year for some inexplicable reason, why wish on just that day? Why can't you wish on any regular day, whenever you catch hold of him?

And what's with the handshakes? Is it some weird method of passing on the power to be happy on the day that expires as soon as the clock strikes twelve?

I just don't get it.
P.S. : Its my birthday soon. Do not forget to wish :P

Identity Crisis!

I was posting a comment on a post (a namesake: find it here ) and I realised...

"I'm surely not sure if I'm not sure for sure!!!"

Go figure!

You’ve got to be kidding me!

We’re just back from our first Industrial trip at XLRI. We visited the Jamshedpur plant of Tata-Robins-Fraser, supposedly to get the knowhow of operations on the shop floor. High thinking as I am, my attention was focused on the shop walls rather than the floor. And these are few of the masterpieces that the wall was adorned with.

Disclaimer : The author of the post takes no guarantee of what and how you interpret the following “instructions” to “workers”. Any resemblance to anything…ahem ahem…is purely co-incidental.

* Vibrator Equipment : True Flow.
* Assly. Vibrator : Testing bed
* It works only when its open.
* Close tap after use.
* Manufacturing Manual : Nut Bolts, Tight Screws…
* Do not overtake at sharp turns.
* Garm Padaarth Na Chhuyein.
* Cost is long forgotten but the quality is remembered forever.
* Wear safety belts when working at “heights”.
* Deep thought and Hard work.
* Nagn aankhon se na dekhein.
* Never take chance. Think in advance.
* Safety First!

And here comes the legen…dary :

* Do it right. First time. Everytime.

No wonder the subject is called “Production and Operations Management” .

“Happy New Year”

Earth’s back to square one yet again and the world wakes up with the last night’s hangover, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Telecom Operators, Post & Courier Services and Greeting Card Giants walk on air. Electronic mails and e-greetings have severely dented their profits over the years but it’s the time to make merry nevertheless. The postman, milkman, doorman and every possible “man” asks for “bakhsheesh” with a face straighter than Lokmanya when he asked for Independence. Traffic Police has its share of moolah, too. Vehicle inspections are the order of the day leading to currency changing hands in no time. Handshakes and “Jadoo Ki Jhappis” suddenly find a million takers in this fast world, otherwise too busy to spend a nanosecond more than “Hey”. “Happy New Year” is the new mantra. From high rollers to chaiwallahs, everyone’s busy “wishing”.

Honestly, I don’t understand this concept of a “wish”.

For twenty one years, I have also been the part of this. “Happy Birthday”, “Happy Diwali”, “Happy Valentine’s Day”, “Happy New Year” yada yada yada have been elements of my passive inheritance from this world around me. Its been so hackneyed that I never paused and took time to think about it. And now when I did, all of this “wishing” seems like a fruitless exercise. It, now, seems no better than arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

For an overwhelming majority of people I have shaken hands with and said the three golden words to, I have never actually wished or prayed to God that the forthcoming year may really be prosperous for them. Its been more like an involuntary response following the stimulus of seeing that person for the first time in the day. I am, from a practical point of view, hypocrisy personified for that instant – saying insincere words I do not mean in the face of the person.

And for the liliputian minority of the rest about whom I truly care and “wish”, I don’t see any point in expressing the same. Its like making the person forcefully realize that I pray for himer(him/her). What a redundancy!

Hindi has been no different either. “Nav varsh ki shubhkaamnayein” is the new year greetings thereby diluting the meaning of the word “kaamna” to the point of a worthless handshake.

Urdu, though, has been an honourable exception. Greetings entail the word “Mubarak” having the effect of “Congratulations”. This seems like a more decent and a suitable thing to say. To congratulate someone on making a new beginning is more convincing than “wishing” himer luck when I don’t actually mean it. And when I do “wish” for the person, expressing it won’t make a difference, whatsoever.

This leads to my first new year resolution for 2009 with the slate wiped clean - to congratulate and not to wish. Let’s “wish” that the new broom sweeps clean.

Naya saal Mubarak ho.

The Economics of Bankruptcy!

First it was the turn of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Then busted the Lehmann and the AIG. And then doomed the VKG. World economy is, no doubt, in shambles.

Blissfully ignorant, VKG Private Limited was stunned to see its market value shrink to zero. Totally clueless about the commencement of this meltdown, there was chaos everywhere. VKG instantly formed a (one-member) committee – chaired by Sir Varun Kumar Gupta himself - to look into the matter.



The committee blamed the non- existence of any monetary policy and the profligacy in the liquor department for the present state of affairs. VKG had swamped the residential quarters(read: hostel E) with the demon drink when the deal with the NTPC(read: placement) went through. Mortgage crisis was another factor, albeit a minor one. Unrecovered loans to defaulters(read: friends) had started to pinch. The committee brought into light the prevailing scenario along the following discomfiting lines:

1. Revenues have shriveled. Stakeholders(read: parents) have refused to budge an inch from their adamant stand. IPOs(read: requests for financial aid) are no more entertained.

2. Suppliers of raw materials(read: cigarettes, cold drinks etc) have started the age-old pressure tactics. Shyam Da Canteen Corporation has threatened to slash off the supplies altogether.

3. Mess bills are due since the month of August. VKG faces starvation.

4. Inflation is making matters worse. Gold Flake has increased its price per unit by 16.67%.

5. Lay-offs have already begun. Mr. Washerman has been handed the pink slip.

6. Telephone communication with sister concerns(read: family and friends) have been minimized. Internet chatting is being encouraged.

7. Non-Performing Assets(read: old newspapers and magazines) are being sold to fund expenditures.

8. Mergers are the order of the day. Everything from petrol in the bike to a cigarette is willy-nilly being shared. Long rides on the bike in the evenings have become an unaffordable luxury.

US Fed Gov came to the rescue of the big three. Something's got to be done with VKGPL as well. Looking for a saviour...desperately...

My pre-teen classics!!!

Spare me for making you read this shit but couldn't help myself from posting these masterpieces that I accidentally found in a diary a month back. The masterpiece named "Examination" was created when I was in the 8th standard. Kindly consider the cranial limits of a twelve-year old. The next one, "Mathematics" goes one step ahead in "quality". I wrote this in my seventh standard of schooling. Read at your own risk :

Examination:

This bloody examination is really a headache -
To all my enjoyments it puts a check.
Thirty – thirty chapters are not easy to learn,
And all I can do is to sit and spurn.

In this mysterical(Gawwwd!!! That isn’t even a word) history
I cant by heart the names;
Suddenly a ban occurs
On all the games.

Now the subject of geography
The delta and the meander;
That we study such a subject
Is the greatest wonder.

The physics and the dyne
Prick me like spine;
After studying this subject
I’m never fine.

Someone please save me from
Chemistry’s deadly claws;
For I have to mug up
A million of laws.

When I study Biology then
I become ambiguous;
Was it the chapter
Mentioned in the syllabus.

Hey this computer science
And the programs in BASIC;
Convert my happy mood
Into happy and tragic.

English and Hindi Chapters
Pass above my head;
Remembering all those characters
Is truly a dread.

But the only subject of Maths
Where I score a hundred;
The silly reason is that
The total is three hundred.

Mathematics:

Lets throw some light
On this mathematics
Because of which I broke my house
Just to count the bricks! (Did I really write these lines???!!!!???)

When I open the maths book
I always feel a surprise;
The same sum again
And again in disguise.

Making innocent children
Study set theory;
Is a criminal offence
Serious than the dowry.

Then comes the polygon
Dangerous than a machine gun;
2n-4 or 2n-5
I’m always in confusion.

Whenever I see mensuration
Forehead gives out perspiration;
I never find in those figures
Any type of anticipation. (Wot on earth is that supposed to mean???)

The rules of logarithm
Are more than mysticism;
And all the measurement
Puts me into amazement.

The AAS and SSS
Of Congruency and Similarity;
And fins the sums
Never in parity. (:o!!!!)

Then come the cubes and cuboids
With six-six hands;
And I always try to run
To my intelligent friends.

The angles of trigonometry
Alpha, Beta and Gamma;
Always leave me in
A huge huge dilemma. (That was my best idea of rhyming)

The constructions in geometry
Aren’t less than headaches;
For always in between
My disloyal pencil breaks.



MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PIECE...ERRR..PEACE, DEAR READER!!!