Googly - Part 2

Read The Part 1 here.

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Yet another masterpiece from Google. Without much ado, here's the thing.

Search for "why" on Google. These are among the ten top most suggestions by Google based on the most number of searches. Friggin' unbelievable!

• Why are Indians so smart? :D
• Why are Indians hated?
• Why are Indians so ugly?
• Why are Indians obsessed with fairness?
• Why are Indians so cheap?

Why, in the name of crap, is the world obsessed with us?? The cherry, and as a matter of fact, the most searched : WHY MBA? (Anyone who has cleared an MBA entrance examination is familiar with this blood-sucking parasite of a question. Others might not relate to it.)

The riot continues. Search for "Why women". The funniest suggestions:

• WHY WOMEN BECOME FAT AFTER MARRIAGE!!!!
• Why women cheat?
• Why women have affairs in their 30s?

And now the dilemma of Julia Roberts in Notting Hill.

• Why men like breasts?
• Why men are attracted to breasts?
• Why men love breasts?

Its an earnest appeal to the intellectually controversial species. Give your quest a break. You'll never be able to work it out.

Confessions Of A Naysayer's Mind

You showed up all naked and whiny one sucky day. You were wedged out, leaving the best sanctuary behind. You were introduced to this harsh planet with a slap on the butt - literally. Spanking, actually! You were forced to dress up for the first time in your life, hitherto living it up in peace. All you did was sleep and drink through a straw. And even that "supply chain" was cut off now. That was your birth-day.

Now, why is this celebrated? Whats the friggin' deal? Is it really worth it? What on earth is one's contribution in being born? What accomplishment is being acknowledged/appreciated? I can see just one.

You were the only one (usually) among the millions who actually got through the antivirus, if you know what I mean. You did what a million others couldn't. If you don't get what I mean to say: one, have a frickin' common sense and two, this is for you:

Next, Birthday wishes.

You schizo. You hallucinating self-obsessed freaky egotist with delusions of adequacy. Do you think you control this universe? Can your mere wishing bring happiness to one's life?

Or, do you refer to "wishing" as praying to God. So you mean to say you actually spend some time praying to God that the day goes happy for someone else? Dude, come on!

And, why just that day? Why can't you wish that someone stays happy all his life? Does it not imply an ulterior motive of yours? Do you actually mean to wish "Sad rest of the year!"?

Even if your demented personality doesn't allow to let him stay in peace for the rest of the year for some inexplicable reason, why wish on just that day? Why can't you wish on any regular day, whenever you catch hold of him?

And what's with the handshakes? Is it some weird method of passing on the power to be happy on the day that expires as soon as the clock strikes twelve?

I just don't get it.
P.S. : Its my birthday soon. Do not forget to wish :P

I promise I will...

- Written and composed by Varun Gupta

The most important, most special song that I ever wrote. She said a "Yes!"

I will wake you up with a coffee in bed,
Every once in a while, I will do the dishes;
I promise we'll watch all your favourite shows together,
I'll keep all the stuff back in their places.

I promise I will...
I promise I will...
I promise I will...

I will hold your hair back when you wanna throw up,
When you feel like coughing, I'll get ya cough syrup; [:P]
I will stash my work away and help ya in the crossword,
I'll keep looking at you when you take hours on make-up.

I promise I will...
I promise I will...
I promise I will...

I will hold you close when the movie's scary,
I will read stories to you when you can't sleep baby;
I'll be back on time from office, bring your favourite flowers,
I will take holidays and we'll visit your mommy...

I wanna grow old with you...
I really wanna grow old with you...

Will you grow old with me...
Will you...grow old with me...

Shawls and Quarter Pants!

Disclaimer:

• Trust me, I'm not an MCP; more not so in these swine flu riddled times.
• I've tried to keep the language as aethethic and formal as possible. The intention is not to demean/undermine.
• I intend to lampoon. (Article 19(i)(a), Constitution of India)

Bishu Da's. Post-midnight. Any day.

The weather's changing. Mercury is dipping slowly but steadily. Here I am, bamboozled. I fail to logically deduce whether its cold enough based on the physically visible evidence. Contradiction is in the cool (or not?) air.

Our counterparts with the absence of a certain chromosome are endorsing a certain plurality in their dressing sense hitherto unwitnessed by me. Their upper bodies are well protected by aesthetically appealing shawls, subtly suggesting the onset of my favourite season. But they also sport shorts in the south - quarter pants to be mathematically precise - equally suggestive of the summer heat.

I acknowledge my sucky IQ. But the given instance does defy all means of logical reasoning. Innit??

To OB or not to OB!

As if he hadn't learnt how to behave through Organisational Behaviour-I, here we have OB-II bugging us wantonly in the second term. We have supposedly advanced into the stage where we're learning how are organisations and their hierarchies designed. (Why the heck!)

OB - the shit it is!

God save the HR guys, who have to deal with this crap all their pitiful existence called life. The paper is the height of gas in itself. Jargonization couldn't have been more blatantly futile. Why - o why- do we have to understand that authority is the power to make people accountable while control is the power to co-ordinate them. Wont I, as a manager - ooooh, lemme wallow in this fantasy for a while - have both of these so-called powers? Or, are there specialised managers for both of these seemingly same bush, around which we keep on beating?

Oct13-Oct14 cusp. A normal "day" at XL.

An exhausting day ends to usher into another crappy one. We study the marketing strategies of Red Bull, Inc in a case study and try to figure out the solutions to problems that could not be solved by people like us with a degree in Business, albeit a million times more experienced. We work in virtual teams (:P another jargon, borrowed from OB-II); one of us compiles everything and does the submission in time.

We head towards BishuDa's - our night canteen. We spend an hour there: undoubtedly the best time of the day. Then begins the quest of nailing the OB quiz on returning. Sayan and I try to make sense out of the shittiest text ever where every distinction is blurry and every jargon, redundant. The same thing again, and again, and a million times over, in disguise.

Its 4 in the morn. Bishu Da must have been wrapping up. I get a smoke. I'm trying to quit. A few drags. No more. I need tea. But that can be had only at 6, after the mess boys wake up. Frustrated, I decide to wake up the couple of hours, watching episodes from the inimitable comedy "Whose Line Is It Anyway". A nice refreshing cup of tea could follow and then could be done the ultra-needed revision.

Physically incapable of being up anymore at 0542, I ping Sayan to wake me up at 0600. Ohhh, what a divine feeling that follows closing my eyes!!! The bugger wakes me up at 0558, asking me to wake him up at 8 for the revision - In symbiosis we trust!

And then I do something that I do everyday. I set an alarm to ring at 0605, hold the cellphone tightly to be woken up by the vibrations, if not the sound. Poor Sayan... he's counting on me.

Next thing I know, Sayan wakes me up at 0842!

--X--

Alec Smart says, "If OB-I is referred to as 'Singhal', is OB-II 'double' ???"

Found In Translation!

Google Translator. My XLRI Mailbox. English to Hindi. Just check out the new meaning that some of the words find in translation. Gosh!

Without much ado, presenting...the masterpieces:

"Red Hot Meet Kachchy" becomes "Kachchy लाल गर्म मिलो"
"Doing The Worst Leg" becomes "सबसे ख़राब टांग कर रहा"
"SIP" becomes "घूँट" :D
"Mock Interview" becomes "नकली साक्षात्कार"
"CV Call" becomes "CV बुलाओ"

"COMA is as per schedule" becomes "गहरी बेहोशी अनुसूची के अनुसार है"
/* COMA ~ COst and Management Accounting */

As always, the cherries at last:"Placement Committee - XL" becomes "स्थान समिति - एक्स्ट्रा लार्ज" LOL!!!!

and..."CRISP" becomes...."कुरकुरा" ROFL!!!!!

Googly!

Oct 11. 0200 hours.

There was no deadline the next day. Here at XL, this is an occasion more incredible than Barack Obama winning Oscar (He might as well win this one). It was celebrated with full vigour (read: booze). I had not slept for two nights in a row. The zombie in me dozed off in the morning today, missing three lectures. And here I was, incapable of a shuteye this early.

I logged on to google.co.in - the desi Google. The search engine gives you ten suggestions to autofill the search box whenever you key in some characters based on the most popular searches in India. I started keying in alphabets one after another and was amused at the suggestions.

Indians are just obsessed with Sex. No wonder Kamasutra has its roots down here. Here is some supporting evidence.

• B: Blue Film

• D: DesiBaba.com. It is probably the first and the most legendary porn site in India. It was something our generation logged on to on reaching the good young age of discovering Internet Porn. Was amazed to find it doing rounds among the kiddos even today.

• H: Hot Video

• H: How To Get Pregnant (freakin' unbelievable!)
  

• K: Kamasutra

• P: Pink Word. This baffled me. What on earth is Pink Word! Applying my super developed intellect made me to infer that the misspelling could actually be "Pink World" which could be a porn site. Yep, I was right. It happened to be one.

• S: Sexy Photo
• S: Sexy Wallpaper
• S: Sexy Lady
• S: Sexy Images
  

• S: SavitaBhabhi.com. This is the new sensation. Will make you hate all the Bhabhis you've ever had.

• X: XLRI :P

• X: Xboard.us. The Game Goes "International".

• X: Xnxx.co. Again a misspelling in all probabilities.

And now the the cherry. At last.

• X: XXL London. A Gay Bar...in London!!

The 'B' Nite!

[Parody : Hotel California - The Eagles]

-Written and composed by Varun Gupta
- Censored by EL!

On a fire-brick pathway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of BishuDa, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for a while
There they stood in the pathway;
I heard the dunking yell
And I was thinking to myself,
This could be heaven or this could be hell…

Then they lit up the candles and they showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to apni duniya
Bada Maza Aaya…(Bada Maza Aaya)
Chutiya Banaya
Plenty of 'B' at apni duniya
Any time of year, you can find it here

Their mind is tiffany-twisted, they got the SIC
They got the Father Prabhu Hall, and its sacrosanctity!!
How they dance in the Wet Night, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up OMAXI,
please bring me my wine
It said, We have been overcharging you since nineteen sixty nine
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to apni duniya
Bada Maza Aaya…(Bada Maza Aaya)
Chutiya Banaya
We’re livin it up at apni duniya
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis!!

Identity Crisis!

I was posting a comment on a post (a namesake: find it here ) and I realised...

"I'm surely not sure if I'm not sure for sure!!!"

Go figure!

Monkeys wrapped in suits!

"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others." - Jake Green