Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ravi Shastri and The Orgasm

Disclaimer: Adult material. If you're below 18 or feel offended by graphic images of lovemaking or simply are a jerk/prude, DO NOT PROCEED. Also, if you're not a cricket maniac, I'm sorry.


I'm sure anyone who has ever watched 10 cricket matches in his life has seen/heard him. He is the chronic illness this beautiful game has been suffering from for at least a decade and a half! He is someone who makes you wish cricket could be karaoked. He is someone who can say exactly the wrong things at exactly the right time making you wish you could slit your throat right when your team is about to smash those winning runs.

We stand united in our hatred towards him. But recently, I decided to think 'out of the box' as Mr. Shastri puts ever so clichedly. I noticed a pattern. A string of steps. A hidden sequence to the Holy Grail: an orgasm. And boy, was I stunned! He's an absolute belter of a commentator.

It took more than a week but here it is. The secret code. His most infamous lines that have fucked our ears beyond repair if arranged in a particular order narrate a porn film as great as the likes of Naughty America. Voila! [Mind it, the sequence is the key.]

The build-up

  • I get a sense that something’s gotta give.
  • I think he has been tempted into indiscretion.
  • It will be a tricky chase under lights.
  • He’s got the license to go for it.
  • They are in with a chance now.

The 'Out'

  • That looked out.
  • Oh, he flashed and he flashed hard.
  • He’s hit the cover off the ball.
  • Fans are having an absolutely great time.
  • The new ball is crucial.
  • That’s a biggie.
  • It can’t get bigger than this!

The Foreplay

  • He takes his time to get in.
  • He knows where the leg (stump) is.
  • First hour is crucial.
  • I think he has given the finger.
  • Up goes the finger.
  • Oh, that was a tentative poke.
  • He played that with soft hands.
  • It was all hand-eye coordination, no feet.
  • He really has quick hands.
  • He's got a good arm.
  • It’s the kind of game where anything can happen.


  • He might give it the Full Monty.
  • He’s the the kind of player who likes the ball coming on to the bat.
  • He’s decided to use the long handle to good effect.
  • And...he goes for the big one.
  • That's edged and taken.
  • That was close.
  • He went hard at it.
  • That went like a tracer bullet.
  • When he hits them, they stay hit.
  • He is knocking around.
  • He is mixing it up nicely.
  • You just can't snatch the momentum.
  • It's all happening here.
  • He has given it the kitchen sink.
  • He has disturbed the furniture.
  • It might go down to the wire.


  • He didn't know where the boundary was.
  • I just get the feeling.
  • At the end of the day it doesn’t matter how they come as long as they come.
  • What an absorbing session!
  • That will do his confidence a world of good.
  • That's just what the doctor ordered.

Well, at the end of the day, I guess cricket is the real winner.