Monday, July 12, 2010

Lucky Bastards

Disclaimer: Meant to offend. Go screw yourself.
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I don't think of females as the inferior species. I think they're just dumb.

It's not their fault, really. They're just wired this way. It thus becomes our duty to accept them as they are, always making them feel they're "special". Poor souls - misconstruing pity for chivalry.

Anyway, this post is not about them. Quite contrarily, it's about us. \m/

Here's why we were lucky to be born with a wee-wee and the wisdom chromosome.

  • We don't have to guzzle down liquids we can't even afford to smell, sport hairstyles that make us look like buffoons and play sports we don't even understand to be"cool".
  • We don't have to spend one-third of our lives looking at our own reflections in the mirror. We recognize ourselves way sooner.
  • We don't have to shave more than one-twentieth of our body.
  • There is no concept of "tomgirls". We are happy with what we are.
  • We can afford our underwear.
  • We buy shoes we wear more than once.
  • Cockroaches are scared of us.
  • We understand music.
  • We don't wear t-shirts with quotes at exactly the places we don't like people to stare at.
  • We aren't hypocrites. We accept that we think about sex all the time.
  • We don't substitute sex with chocolates!!!!
  • We think chocolates are sweet brown confectionery. NOTHING ELSE!!!
  • We don't eat more than our dietitian recommended when we're depressed.
  • We don't have a dietician.
  • We are never depressed!!!
  • We don't have to harp on about our right to equality to settle down for a "33% reservation".
  • We don't need a "beauty sleep". We sleep when we want, where we want and how we want.
  • We don't believe in keeping wastes in our body. The world is our urinal.
  • We don't care if our best friends forget our birthdays. We wonder if they don't.
  • Our clothes are comfortable. We can stretch, bend and run in them.
  • We aren't destroyed if someone else wears the same outfit at a party.
  • We don't appear in advertisements of products for the opposite sex.
  • We can wear whatever we want to a water park. (if clothing's a compulsion)
  • We choose "just the right gifts" in 58 seconds straight.
  • We don't fake accents.
  • We don't use creams for everything from fairness to "enhancement".
  • We don't stuff our clothes to look "big".
  • We know stuff about the Italian Mob.
  • We know the difference between a USB and a URL.
  • While fixing a bulb, we don't have to stop and think which way to turn.
  • We don't have to seduce our bosses for a promotion.
  • Our clothes are never wrinkled. At least to us.
  • We know no one cares about the fingernails.
  • People look into our eyes when we talk.
  • We can afford to wait for year-end sale schemes.
  • Our phone bills are minuscule.
  • We don't know what peach, burgundy and magenta mean. We don't care.
  • We find beauty in everything. And everyone.
  • Our shampoos don't nauseate us.
  • When we take more than five minutes to take a bath, we're having fun.
We don't think we rule the world. We would rather prefer beer, porn and someone to clear the mess we leave behind.

P.S. Contribution from a fellow lucky bastard Sakya: We know if we're oversized. We don't ask rhetorical questions like "Do I look fat."

109 comments:

  1. HAHHAHAAHAA
    JUST Brilliant......A Masterpiece....well researched (it seems)..

    Dont know how bad comments would this post recieve.....
    That would be even more interesting..........

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  2. you're opening a can of worms. :)

    And no matter what your disclaimer says, I know you don't mean to offend. So jack off! :P

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  3. @ Rakesh: Ty! (: Is research really needed for this?? "They" do everything in our face! I'm waiting for the comments! :P

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  4. @ Sakya: :D :D Abhi murdabad ke naare bhi aane waale hain!

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  5. I wish you had added a point about the dreaded question: "Does this make me look fat?"

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  6. @ Gurdit: Can of worms...let's see!! I do mean to offend, baby!!

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  7. @ Sakya: Le abhi add kar deta hun!!

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  8. The min I read the title,thought it must be about spain & their victory ;)

    Thank God its not tat :D
    Enjoyed the post! Had me smiling throughout.

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  9. @ Dipa: For someone who has watched three matches in the last 12 years (the last three WC finals), I think I qualify a little less to do that. :D

    Thanks! Glad you liked it. (not being a LB) (:

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  10. Dude awesome... baja di tune ... loved few spsl one .. D T-shirt quotes.. I didn;t understand at all they wear such quotes n if someone reads dem dey get nasty stares.. fuck d hypocrisy... Surely we don't need enhancement god has given us freedom to expand when needed :P
    Thank God we don't have many dumb bosses :)

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  11. The disclaimer is the gist ...there was no need to read further....awesome compilation ^_^

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  12. Lol..cldn't stop laughing while reading this :D
    Awesome write up ;)

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  13. @ Sugar Cube: Strange!! I expected a lotta flak! Thanks! (:

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  14. @ Nikhil: Actually yes! I wanted to know what you and ankesh had to say! ankesh boss ne toh expected comment kiya!

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  15. @ srikanth: (: Thanks for reading!

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  16. lol...laughing my guts out...

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  17. lotta research work going on... for how long have i not visited u?

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  18. @ Lalita: Hadd hai!!! On second thoughts, you know what, you might want to visit really soon!! research chal rahi hai!!

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  19. unlike ur other posts, disliked this one.. nt bcoz i m a feminist or something like tht but bcoz these ideas are so hackneyed n stereotypical.. its like saying india is a land of snake charmers.. who cares if thr is any iota of truth in the line or not...By pointing out the 'perceived' flaw of the othr, i hv made myself look bettr, right???

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  20. @ Ruchika: You disliked this one because you took it a bit personally. All of the similar posts of mine are exaggeratingly stereotypical, only to be taken in the lightest vein. Thandey dimag se padh, mazaa aayega! You would have loved it if I had mocked the males, I'm sure. :D

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  21. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I actually laughed literally. Beyond all boundaries.

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  22. my humble attempt towards enlightenment...and offending :P

    We don't have to spend one-third of our lives looking at our own reflections in the mirror. - probably u r not so good looking

    We don't substitute sex with chocolates. - we don't substitute sex with chocolates either...we simply complement it

    We can wear whatever we want to a water park. - sure u can...who'll b looking at u anyway???

    We don't fake accents. - the hell u don't

    We don't use creams for everything from fairness to "enhancement". - the stats that more than 40% of Fair & Lovely users are males must've been invented by a mktg guy :|

    We don't stuff our clothes to look "big". - u think u'll say that n we'll believe it? we aren't that dumb also, honey :)

    We don't have to seduce our bosses for a promotion. - yeah...u just have 2 lick their asses

    People look into our eyes when we talk. - may b that's the only good stuff u've got

    When we take more than five minutes to take a bath, we're having fun. - n what do u think v r doing????

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  23. :D :D I'll make yet another attempt to puncture the vanity of your species!

    1. Then, actually, it's more weird. Why spend so much time if you're already so good-lookin? Thank God we aren't narcissistic.

    2. I read the "substituting sex with chocolates" bit on a female blogger's blog who was speaking for your kin. Thank God we have common sense. And libido.

    3. Exactly! That was the point! So we're lucky.

    4. Tamanna and Charlie from the last two Roadies. Period.

    5. You say it and I believe it?? Thank God we ca filter shit from facts.

    6. Oh come on. Movies are the reflection of reality.

    7. Yeah, some of us do that and I'm ashamed on the part of my kin. Point granted.

    8. YAY!!!!

    9. Now that's a revelation!!!!! :D Congrats! I take my point back.

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  24. whatever!!!this is way too generalised...offensive in some parts, but a laugh riot all the same!!!

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  25. Generalized, yes! Offending, yes! Intentional, yes! Glad you could laugh through!! (: (:

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  26. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  27. haha, this was interesting. so interesting. but i'll refrain from counterattacking coz then it could go on forever and ever.. :P

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  28. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  29. Thanks! (: I can see why you say that :P

    End of the day, there's no arguing on the facts. Its just how you sugar coat and how i undress them!! Bring them on if you want!! :D

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  30. Thank you, sir. You made my day with this post. The starting and the flow - everything was just so refreshing. By the way, everyone who thinks that they are special, needs to know that they are all worthless, and made from the same dead, decaying organic matter, with no superpowers; unless they are some mutants. And shit!

    :D

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  31. This is you.. mean, nasty and crackling with humour.

    Loved reading your list even though I didn't agree with most of them. This is one quality women are endowed with..THEY CAN LAUGH AT THEMSELVES!

    So shall I assume this post was inspired?

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  32. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  33. If i launch into why i dont think you are right i will be giving you exactly what u want. But as you have made me laugh my head off and as some of the things are probably true I hav decided to congratulate you instead! :D good one :-)

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  34. i second mehak...no comments :D

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  35. @ Arijit: Thanks a lot, man. Your comment was equally refreshing. (:

    You know what, if there's a hell run by feminists, the two of are gonna rot their forever!!

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  36. @ Purba: Good, you can! But Ms. Blue didn't seem to do that in the comments upstairs!!

    Ya ya, Mehak's Sempiternal Scribbles gave me this idea to kick the ass of my blogger's block :P

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  37. @ Nandita: Actually, yes!! I would have loved counterattacks! Koi baat nahi, thanks for the niceties! (:

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  38. Shut up!!!( But secretly laughing :D )

    Anyway, You are tagged, To find out more read http://anatreek.blogspot.com/2010/07/im-girl-and-i-hate-weddings.html

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  39. Tch Tch...We don't live in denial :P
    We copy smilies |:
    And we don't mind say so |:
    We comment on posts that are against us
    And no. It is not out of pity. It is because somewhere the post was funny and that's that. (:
    :P

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  40. :-D wont get angry ..coz i always wished that i was born a guy ...and for eaxctly all of the reasons that u mentioned ...
    but a gal cannot say the difference between USB and URL ??? i mus say , u r right in ur first few lines ...the gal 'YOU' have come across are not inferior species ...but just plain DUMB ..saying that ..i too have come across a loooot of guys who dunno the above diffrence !!

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  41. btw had read most of these in sms es , fwd mail etc etc !!!

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  42. BOW to you man! Awesome compilation. Thanks for reminding me that we are still superior! I will not listen to the cribbliy brribllies now! X-(

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  43. Yes mam!!

    About the tags, I never take up tags. Or for that matter, write on any given topic that the various blogging networks ask people to do. I believe writing should be beyond boundaries.

    But then I observed that every person who tagged me and I refused never came back to my blog. Ever. Every single person. So now I'll be taking tags. This tag is the first of all and I'm kinda excited. (:

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  44. @ Choco: Haanji, bahot bada dil hai aapka!! Wo toh main maanta hun!! Thanks!! (:

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  45. @ Vicious: I cant believe a guy can be this dumb! Anyway, I cant speak for more than half of the world. So, point granted!

    And regarding the allegation, two of them are inspired by a post by Mehak and I mentioned her before. But the rest were totally my punches. There are facts and premises. The humor was totally mine. I take these things pretty seriously and its the first time someone has said something like this. Just wanted to clear things. (: (;

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  46. @ Addy: Thanks man!! Cribbilies Bribbilies...ROFL!!

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  47. @ The chinese friend: I translated that, and for a change, it doesn't seem spam! Thanks! (:

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  48. how do u know wen a woman is about to say smthing smart?
    wen she starts a sentence wid "a man once told me.."

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  49. waise to acha hi likhte ho...but this has to be my VKG favorite...

    loved the line about the t-shirt...and shakko's comment too ;)

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  50. @ Devil: Ye baat!!! Jiyo meri jaan!

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  51. @ Sushant: Thanks, man!! I'm lucky enough to be blessed with some regular readers who let their opinion be known. It's just a process of reciprocating. (: (: Glad you liked it!

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  52. @ MCK: Thanks you, sir! Hamare blog ki zameen pe aapka swagat hai!

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  53. i knw guys who hate d taste but drink to appear cool.
    u dun look at ur reflection coz u r busy in looking at d beauties who do.
    atleast we dun shave our chest.
    u havent come across bobby darlings n guys sporting pink,orangr, flourescent t shirts!!
    cockroaches r scared of u coz u use dem for smthing else.
    v are blessed wid smthing u can stare at. u go gyming n den v myt stare at u.
    v dun think abt sex always.y shud v accept it.
    u perform worse dan chocolates at satisfying us. accept it.
    thats wat chocolates are . whether u hav d capability to think,dats d question.
    look at ur tummy. u always eat more.
    bet u dont have a dietician. ur ego wont permit u.
    ur birth is not worth remembering. so nobody wishes u. dun b jealous.
    v feel comfortable in our clothes, no matter how body hugging or skimpy it is.u feel uncomfortable seeing it.
    u cant fake anything. everyone wil know watever u r faking..
    baby,u wanna talk electronics ?
    who are u to judge smthing is wrinkled or not?
    how did u notice d fingernails if u r not bothered?
    correction-everyone n everything dat has boobs is beautiful to u.
    ur hair nauseates others.even wen u wash it daily

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  54. impossible! alcohol does wonders to a male gene!
    yes. so what's the point?
    saving grace!
    i aint talking about homosexuals. leave them out of this.
    LOL! ye koi aur nahi samjhega!! Good one! You were an equal culprit.
    we don't complain when u stare. dat was the point, dimwit.
    dat was the point re. we cant even think of chocolates satifying us!!
    :(
    we dont need one. we dont care.
    jealous!!?? We don cease to be friends with people who dont wish us!
    kuch bhi!!
    we don't want to. period. we are original!
    yes, i do. farzi hua toh kya, engineer hun!
    we are not. dats the point. we dont spend sleepless hours on them.
    we dont. i was mocking the entire institution of manicures!
    true!
    does it even make sense??

    accept it. you have the wit of a five year old male. such arguments!! phew!

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  55. Awesum post....Macha dala hila dala ;)

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  56. @ the chinese friend: 保持垃圾邮件 !!

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  57. @ Vibhu: :D Katwa ke bhi bhoola nahi abtak!

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  58. Li'l offending. Too chauvinistic. However the thread of humour prevails throughout. Its funny and gave me a good laugh.
    I could actually see the joy in the faces of all the male commenters.
    :-)

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  59. I know. Everything was in plain jest. Glad you could see that through! (:

    And yes, the male commenters have lauded me separately like hell!!! :D \m/

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  60. Discussions on your comment rolls are no less funnier....guess wat m i doing now...:)

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  61. Hmmm, I'm smiling but would prefer to comment no futher ;-)

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  62. @ campbellaguilar林志易 : Hoorah! The first probably-not-spam from China!!

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  63. @ Jai: :D Ye toh expected tha!!

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  64. @ Adisha: The smiley (winkey) said it all!! :D

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  65. I have not come across more hilarious stuff in the near past. I laughed like a maniac and kept on laughing. Kya maari he bhai tumne...

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  66. "There is no concept of "tomgirls". We are happy with what we are."
    Some people are so happy and gay :P

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  67. Again, please abstain from bringing homosexuals in the conversation. A request!! Hope you understand! (:

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  68. Dude! So true! I'm speechless. . . This is the first time after India's win in the first 20-20 world cup, that i'm so happy. . Thoughts of GUYS LIKE YOU are the motivations for Guys like us. . Keep rocking . . Tuney to leli boss. . Hilarious stuff

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  69. @ SavvY: :D Apna toh kaam hi ye hai!!

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  70. awe~fucking~some..logged into blogger after aeons... mission successful!! anow what i gotta do is just send the link to all those i wanna tell these things.. I am not the culprit!! and I am the Women Maker!! Just delete the comment after u read it!

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  71. ??? why delete!! guchch rehne ka!!

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  72. Real lucky you are, guy. But when we decide to write something like this, you might not find places to hide...

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  73. @ Uncommon Sense: Are you, by any means, Sakya?? Thanks btw!

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  74. @ Sapna: Ah, barking dogs NEVER bite!

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  75. Comment number 101: POPULAR POST!!

    Very very entertaining, the signature style of the mangoman.

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  76. Little annoying because of the generalizations, the whole read was hilarious because of the exaggerations, as you said.

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  77. @ Shyam Sir: Thanks! Glad you liked it! (:

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  78. @ Prajakta: That's the exact spirit the post intends to be taken in. Thanks! (:

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  79. HILARIOUS!! No doubts about it. Carry on the assault.

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  80. Le li le li...main chup hun! :D :D

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  81. AWESOME stuff chief....

    And by AWESOME, please read it as if it's typed in font size 72, bold, caps lock. :D

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  82. AWESOME post chief...

    and By AWESOME please read it as if it is writtten in font size 72, Bold and Caps Lock :D

    The perfect view points of a male chauvinistic pig.. (and I dont being one :P)

    ^^^ had commented this before... dont know u didnt approve or what .... ! :o

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  83. :D :D Lol at the font size 72!!!

    Thanks a lot buddy! I aint an MCP, although. The post was in good humor.

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  84. Super duper classic mind bogglingly funny and true. Jeete raho mere sher. Aur pesh karo kabhoi.

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  85. You know y is the womanfolk better than u insensitive bastards.. here it goes !
    1. We can get laid anytime we want
    2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
    3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you’re drunk
    4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
    5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
    6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
    7. We get to shop at Victoria’s Secret
    8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
    9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
    10. Men hold the door open for us
    11. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
    12. We’re cuter
    13. We lie better
    14. We’re better manipulators
    15. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves – you guys get the couch
    16. We always have food in the fridge
    17. We don’t worry about losing our hair
    18. We always get to choose the movie
    19. Men take us on all expense paid trips – all we have to do is sleep with them
    20. Men light our cigarettes for us

    Voila! CAn't take more truth?
    Ok. I will stop here then :)

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  86. Hi Tia. I swear to God this has been by far my favourite comment ever!! Muuuah.

    Never before has dumbness reached such surreal levels. I sometimes thought that I have gone a bit harsh on women. But you just threw all my doubts out of the window. You, just another dumb XX, totally agreed with the spirit of the post, all the way thinking that you are making a different point.

    You totally proved that all you've got is seductive pouts/eyes/cleavage/leg and nothing in the top floors. You confessed that you can get anything done through exploiting the (com)passion we have towards you. You do not have genuine talent and incapable of achieving anything without manipulation. You took your character to an all time low through point 19. Well done, lady. I'm sure you must be proud of doing that all your life.

    Errr...wasn't it the same I was talking about?

    That would have hurt! Sheeesh!

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  87. Nice read mangoman!
    Agreed to a large part of it,.. except the fact that despite of our intellectuality and great genius minds, we end up dropping our tongues out for ladies and screwing our comforts. You can't help the fact that fairer sex is the stronger.
    A sad truth.. But you'll agree if you would have noticed around

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